You Fail at Being a Nerd

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword.

Et tu, Brute? Or should I say Worf? You sir, have broken the unspoken covenant. But then, you sir, obviously never truly belonged.

In fact, the more I think about it, you probably are not one of us at all, and never aspired to be, but rather someone wishing to throw the authorities off your scent by posing as one of us. When they come for you they’ll take one look and say, “Ah, we obviously have the wrong man. This guy is way too cool to have ever watched [tag]Star Trek[/tag].” Indeed, surely you are too cool to have ever written an airline reservations program for mAd HaKKeR aiRLiNeS in Turbo [tag]Pascal[/tag] for Advanced Placement Computer Science class; too cool to have ever been to a con. Too cool to maintain his own blog on his own site with its own URL. Too cool to know that URL stands for “uniform resource locator.” Too cool to know who [tag]Gary Gygax[/tag] was. Too cool to be writing an entry on said blog when you should be looking for a job. Too cool to have an opinion on Kirk vs. Picard, much less Sisko, Janeway or Archer.

Or so that is your logic. And it may work; who knows. But no, you, sir, are clearly not one of us. And karma will come back around; one way or another you will be punished for your crime. Some day, even if the authorities never find you, you will have to call tech support (because you are not one of us). And the voice on the phone may be tinged with the back streets Mumbai; it may have the air of curry about it. But rest assured, that voice will belong to someone who is undoubtedly one of us; we embrace all creeds, faiths, and races. And your fate and future will hang on this person’s words and deeds. And though you may not realize it, though that person on the other end of the phone on the other side of the world may not realize that he or she is the instrument, we, the [tag]nerds[/tag], will have our revenge.

And rest assured, it will be served cold, a la the [tag]Klingon[/tag] proverb.

P.S. Kirk would WTF PWN Picard. The others, I think they could give him a run for his money, but I’d lay odds on my man Jim. I gotta give even odds to a Captain Hernandez/Kirk throwdown though. She gave the Klingons what-for, in spite of being out-gunned, after all. She should have had more of a role in the show Enterprise, certainly more than three episodes. But then competent bad-ass women make me hot, ‘specially when they wear bangs.