… all you hopeless wannabes

Dear wannabe-punk kid:

First of all, if you’re gonna try and pass yourself off as [tag]punk[/tag], a [tag]mohawk[/tag] actually involves shaving the sides of one’s head. Anything less is a [tag]fauxhawk[/tag], which deserves unbridled derision. I’m usually a live and let live kinda guy, and god knows I was completely clueless (and probably still am, by most people’s standards). But fauxhawks … that’s serious weaksauce, champ. Sporting a fauxhawk is more Ellsworth Toohey than Johnny Rotten.

Second of all, sticking it to the man doesn’t mean you have to freaking stink. I don’t care if reaking of body odor is punk; so is me going upside your head because you do. Not that I would, of course; I’m more buddhist than punk, these days. But seriously, take a bath. I can smell you from two tables away.

And while you’re at it, shave the sides of your head.